Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope

320 quotes

They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish... then he has to get a fishing license. But he doesn't have any money, so he has to get a job and enter the social security system. And he has to file taxes, and you're gonna audit the poor son of a bitch because he's not really good at math. You pull the IRS van up to his house and take everything. You take his velvet Elvis and his toothbrush and it all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on him because he forgot to carry the 1. All because he wanted to eat a fish, and he couldn't even cook the fish because you need a permit for an open flame.

If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together? It's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

The only true freedom that you find is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked. And then you are free to float around the system.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don’t want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it’s different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason…

I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."

I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.

America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't make you good.

I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She said: “How are you gonna make that feel good for me?” and I said: "Right before I cum, I’ll stop punching you in the face."

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.