Emo Philips


I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

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