Emo Philips


You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

All quotes and jokes
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