Emo Philips

Quotes

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.

All quotes and jokes