Emo Philips

Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.

All quotes and jokes