Emo Philips

Quotes

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

All quotes and jokes