Emo Philips

Quotes

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

All quotes and jokes