Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips

239 quotes

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I had the weirdest experience. I'm walking here and I say to myself "my gosh, that's Jimmy Petersen. I haven't seen him since I was nine". And I walked up to him and I slapped him on the back and I said "how's it going, you old rascal?" And he starts crying... And I say to myself, "wait a second, if that's Jimmy Petersen, he would have grown up too!" I mean, sure, now it's obvious...

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

Ambiguity - the Devil’s volleyball.

My girlfriend said, "Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need!" So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon..."

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.”

The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!”