Quotes and Jokes by Emo Philips

Emo Philips is an American stand-up comedian, actor, voice actor, writer and producer. His stand-up comedy persona makes use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 230)

#1

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

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#2

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...

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#3

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

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#4

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

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#5

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

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#6

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

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#7

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon..."

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#8

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

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#9

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

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#10

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

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#11

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

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#12

Ambiguity - the Devil’s volleyball.

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#13

I had the weirdest experience. I'm walking here and I say to myself "my gosh, that's Jimmy Petersen. I haven't seen him since I was nine". And I walked up to him and I slapped him on the back and I said "how's it going, you old rascal?" And he starts crying... And I say to myself, "wait a second, if that's Jimmy Petersen, he would have grown up too!" I mean, sure, now it's obvious...

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#14

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

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#15

The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!”

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