Eugene Mirman

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.