Eugene Mirman

Quotes

I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

All quotes and jokes