Eugene Mirman

Quotes

I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

All quotes and jokes