Quotes & Jokes by Eugene Mirman

91 quotes

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.'

Some of the shit marijuana does - we had no idea. Pot doesn't just kill the person who smokes it. It kills everyone within a mile around.

I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.

On a quick side note, I would argue that - much like Samuel L. Jackson - I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys - either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword - even Excalibur.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.'

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

For a short period of time, I was like, "I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them." And then eventually, I was like, "Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.