I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.
We all have a best friend in here. Every man in here has a best friend. The only reason you hangout with him is because his life sucks more than yours.
I think I'm going to put baby powder all over my legs before this walk just to be safe.All quotes and jokes