Quotes & Jokes by Felipe Esparza

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.

I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn’t know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!

Women look at my brother because he's hot, and they get upset. 'He's gay? What a waste!' I say, 'Hey, I'm not gay.' 'What a shame.'

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don’t give you speech therapy; they don’t even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there’s a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

If the immigration bill doesn't go through it is okay because we'll still go through.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

I got friends who look like life beat the shit out of them.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.