Quotes & Jokes by Felipe Esparza

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.

I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn’t know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don’t give you speech therapy; they don’t even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there’s a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

Women look at my brother because he's hot, and they get upset. 'He's gay? What a waste!' I say, 'Hey, I'm not gay.' 'What a shame.'

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

If the immigration bill doesn't go through it is okay because we'll still go through.

I got friends who look like life beat the shit out of them.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.