Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.
Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!All quotes and jokes