Joan Rivers


If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.

Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.

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