Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers
Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!
Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: "More than just a great place to die."
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.