Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers

165 quotes

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: "More than just a great place to die."

Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.