Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers

165 quotes

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: "More than just a great place to die."

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.