John Bishop

Quotes

On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd: It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star – ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’.

“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”

There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway

On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.

Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.

All quotes and jokes