Lenny Bruce


A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

I sort of felt sorry for the damned flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry diseases I never heard of anybody saying they caught something form a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap and nobody ever whacked her with a paper.

If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...."

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