Maria Bamford

Quotes

I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.

I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.

It's like Canada, but without the metric system.

She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time.

I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope.

All quotes and jokes