Quotes & Jokes by Maria Bamford
I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.
Have you ever seen somebody order in this country? That’s when you realize maybe we have too much freedom. “Yeah, quick question about the coffee: is it organic? OK. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I’d like to have a cup of boiling hot water. Boiling. Boiling. With Ice. And I don’t want the ice to get all tiny.”
I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
Thirty ways to shape up for summer — number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three… What was I talking about? I’m so hungry right now.
My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time...
I was in a lot of plays. We had a weird drama teacher in that he was incredibly enthusiastic about a high school drama program and would talk to all the kids for hours. He ended up marrying one of the kids, but that's neither here nor there.
She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time.
[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...
My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.
I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope.
My old lip color could barely keep up with my busy schedule. In the time it takes to notice the wide discrepancy between my salary and that of my male peers, I'd have to reapply! In the seconds to count the number of women in high political office, seated on corporate executive boards and featured in film and television over the age of 40, my lip color would be as invisible as this glass ceiling only inches above my head! L'Oreal. Because I am worth it. And because holding myself to an impossible standard of beauty keeps me from starting a riot!