When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
I tell you, in my house I can never relax. I got a dog. His favorite bone is in my arm.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.All quotes and jokes