Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."