Quotes and Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield

Jack Roy, popularly known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase "I get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 396)

#1

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'

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#2

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

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#3

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

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#4

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

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#5

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

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#6

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

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#7

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

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#8

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

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#9

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

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#10

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

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#11

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

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#12

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

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#13

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

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#14

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

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#15

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

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