Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield

425 quotes

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.