Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield

425 quotes

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'