I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
Quotes and Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield
Top 15 Quotes (out of 396)
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!