Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield

425 quotes

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.