Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield

425 quotes

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."