Sarah Silverman


Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.

"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

All quotes and jokes
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