Quotes & Jokes by Sarah Silverman

[on anal sex] He's, like, trying to sell me on it being "natural". I'm like, "Um, first of all - doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all - fucking doody comes out of there." I don't need two reasons when doody's involved.

I took a shower with my boyfriend. Ladies, i guarantee you if you take a shower with your boyfriend by the time you step out of that shower your breasts will be sparkling clean.

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!"

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.

I don’t care if you think I’m racist as long as you think I’m a thin racist.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.