Quotes & Jokes by Sarah Silverman

[on anal sex] He's, like, trying to sell me on it being "natural". I'm like, "Um, first of all - doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all - fucking doody comes out of there." I don't need two reasons when doody's involved.

I took a shower with my boyfriend. Ladies, i guarantee you if you take a shower with your boyfriend by the time you step out of that shower your breasts will be sparkling clean.

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!

You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!"

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.

I don’t care if you think I’m racist as long as you think I’m a thin racist.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.