Steven Wright

Quotes

Well, you can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

All quotes and jokes