Quotes and Jokes by Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 623)

#1

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

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#2

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

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#3

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

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#4

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

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#5

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

505
#6

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

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#7

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

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#8

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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#9

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

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#10

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

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#11

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

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#12

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

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#13

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

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#14

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

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#15

I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...

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