Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright

643 quotes

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."