Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.