Tim Allen

Quotes

I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.

I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.

My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

All quotes and jokes