Quotes & Jokes by Tim Allen

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.