Quotes and Jokes by Tim Allen

Timothy Alan Dick, known professionally as Tim Allen, is an American actor and comedian. He is known for playing Tim "The Toolman" Taylor on the ABC sitcom Home Improvement and Mike Baxter on the ABC sitcom Last Man Standing.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 49)

#1

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

78
#2

I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.

45
#3

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

44
#4

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

42
#5

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

24
#6

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

15
#7

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.

14
#8

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

12
#9

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

11
#10

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

10
#11

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

9
#12

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

8
#13

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

7
#14

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

6
#15

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

6