Quotes & Jokes by Tim Allen

60 quotes

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.

When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine - this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?