Quotes & Jokes by Tim Allen

60 quotes

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!