Tim Vine

Quotes

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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