Tim Vine

Quotes

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

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