Quotes & Jokes by Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."