The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this years vodka man?” And I said, “No. I’m an artist, I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product.” He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.” And I said “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone.”
I was gonna kill myself, but I was in a strict Freudian analysis. And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.
My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.
Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.All quotes and jokes