Woody Allen


My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this years vodka man?” And I said, “No. I’m an artist, I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product.” He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.” And I said “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone.”

I was gonna kill myself, but I was in a strict Freudian analysis. And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.

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