Woody Allen


The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this years vodka man?” And I said, “No. I’m an artist, I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product.” He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.” And I said “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone.”

Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

I was gonna kill myself, but I was in a strict Freudian analysis. And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.

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