Quotes and Jokes by Woody Allen

Heywood "Woody" Allen is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades. He began his career as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 362)

#1

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

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#2

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

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#3

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

273
#4

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

262
#5

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

229
#6

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

206
#7

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

204
#8

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

192
#9

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

191
#10

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

181
#11

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

180
#12

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

173
#13

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

170
#14

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

153
#15

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

125