Quotes and Jokes by Woody Allen

Heywood "Woody" Allen is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades. He began his career as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 362)


To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.


A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.


I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.


Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.


Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.


Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.


I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.


Life is a sexually transmitted disease.


Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.


Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.


My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.


My brain? That's my second favorite organ.


If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.


If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.


I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.