Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.