Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.