Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".

I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.