Quotes and Jokes by Woody Allen

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".