Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.