Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
Quote by Roseanne Barr:
Quotes by other comedians
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
We need to be prepared to help with their rent and utilities for six months to a year. We don't want them working right now.
What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.