For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Quote by Steven Wright:
Quotes by other comedians
The white man gets all the best catchphrases!
With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.
I will tell you, that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop?! It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!
Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable.
You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.