Quote by Steven Wright:

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

Comedian
Short bio
Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

All quotes by Steven Wright

Popular quotes by other comedians

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

I hate you, Google. You've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. "I'm going to look up apples today." She just hits 'A.' It's "Asian ass porn" instantly. Google is, like, "I'll take it from here. I know exactly what you're looking up... Well, every time you hit 'A,' it's 'Asian ass porn.'" Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It's bad enough that I'm clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I'm trying to have an honest relationship, and you are fucking my shit up!

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys - either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.