Quotes & Jokes about Brain

58 quotes

There's this critical point where you've stayed single for too long and your brain switches from 'You know, maybe I shouldn't say that.' to 'Eh, fuck it, say it, see what happens.'

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!”

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

This is the amount of time you think about sex: every once in a while. The problem becomes, when you think about it, it's all you can think about. It encompasses your whole brain. You're like a fucking werewolf or something. Usually you're a civilized human being, but then every couple of days, you?re like 'arrrgh.' Then you've got to close the blinds.

I can't sit down and write jokes. I just flows in from some maddeningly elusive place. Believe me, if I had an Alaska in my brain, I would drill baby drill, and I'd cum right on Sarah's back while I was there.

It's like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match, and I'm letting him win.

If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.