I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Quote by Steven Wright:
Quotes by other comedians
I used to be ashamed by the way that I grew up. I tried to lie my way through better times, but when you think that honesty and truth is really your best weapon you embrace it and put it behind you. In the end, it drives you and motivates you to do good work. No one should be ashamed about where they come from as long as you desire to be a compassionate and decent person.
It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.