Quotes & Jokes about Dogs

136 quotes

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog... The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, "Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here."

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I tell ya, I'm bout as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.

When I get into the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out there are five girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest daughter, who's really funny, goes "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "I'm gonna tell you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she goes "they are not, or the dog would be dead!" I hate a smart child.

It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

Then we got my dog, Duke, he’s a basset hound. Duke’s the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can’t teach that. That’s just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn’t know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That’s why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I’m like, “Duke! Mama needs some lovin’!”

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.

A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, "He's back. It's that guy, that same guy." He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. "Another can of food? I don't believe it."

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?