I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Quote by Anthony Jeselnik:
Quotes by other comedians
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.
I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.