I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Quote by Anthony Jeselnik:
Quotes by other comedians
Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.
I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!