Quote by Christopher Titus:

My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't. This is a man who survived four heart attacks. The doctors revoked his organ donor card and issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal.

Comedian
Short bio
Christopher Todd Titus is an American comedian and actor. He grew up in Newark, California. Titus came to network audiences with the eponymous FOX show Titus, of which he was the star, executive producer and co-creator.

All quotes by Christopher Titus

Quotes by other comedians

I think Twitter is really great for those comics that are good with the one-liners. The thing about the Internet is that there are so many different things you can do, as a comic, to get yourself out there. It could be YouTube, it could be Twitter, it could be blogging. On the Internet, it's like I have my own little store. I have a bunch of YouTube videos up, and it's like, 'Check out these videos and if you like what I do, come check me out and if not... no harm, no foul.'

I’m at a very frustrating point in my career because I’m not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you’re in movies or TV, you’re rich. I’m not rich, but I’m far from broke. I’m what you call a ‘thousandaire.’

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.