Quotes & Jokes about Doctors

55 quotes

So my eye doctor told me this. He said, “Did you know you have one eye set higher than the other eye?” “No” “It’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought you’d like to be self conscious for the rest of your life.”

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't. This is a man who survived four heart attacks. The doctors revoked his organ donor card and issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Somewhere in the world is... The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."

You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, "Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don’t want to do just for sex." Isn’t that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there’d be condoms all over my PlayStation.

Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.