These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (to man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh, Christ. Not you.
Quote by Dane Cook:
Quotes by other comedians
Because sometimes ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX NEWS, MSNBC, CNN, HEADLINE NEWS, CSPAN, and CSPAN 2 just aren't enough.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty. That's horse shit. It should be the other way around - they should serve exclusively on jury duty. Then it finally would be a jury of one's own peers. It's not a stereotype if it's always true; then it becomes law.
We live in a three dimensional plane. Life is on the third planet from the sun not the second. Ain't nobody lying on a piece of paper looking at each other.