Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
Quote by Eugene Mirman:
Quotes by other comedians
NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.
You might be a redneck if you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.'