I got friends who look like life beat the shit out of them.
Quote by Felipe Esparza:
Quotes by other comedians
Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Three wishes - no substitutes, exchanges or refunds.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.