I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.
Quote by Gary Gulman:
Quotes by other comedians
I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.
You can’t marry him. You’re a Catholic and he’s… an asshole, think of the children.
Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.