Quote by George Carlin:

"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?

Comedian
Short bio
George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic. He was known for his black comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects.

All quotes by George Carlin

Quotes by other comedians

My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.

You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

"I'm a gangsta, and gangstas don't ask questions." Yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster. "Hey, muthafucka, where's my money?" That's a question. "Do you want to die tonight?" That's a question too. "What? What?" That's two questions.