Quote by Dave Attell:

What do you do when you get caught masturbating? Well, here's a little tip. First, look surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. And then say this: "Quick get some help! My hand and my penis are fighting!"

Comedian
Short bio
David Attell is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He is best known as the host of Comedy Central's Insomniac with Dave Attell, which earned him a cult following. Fellow comics Patton Oswalt and Bill Burr have hailed him as the greatest off-color comedian alive.

All quotes by Dave Attell

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Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"

Have a little fun.

I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"

I'm convinced that Sanford and Son shows middle-class America a lot of what they need to know.