Quotes & Jokes about Masturbation

27 quotes

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

He who hesitates, masturbates.

I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.

In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.

What do you do when you get caught masturbating? Well, here's a little tip. First, look surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. And then say this: "Quick get some help! My hand and my penis are fighting!"

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.

My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.