A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."
Quote by Gilbert Gottfried:
Quotes by other comedians
There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.
Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.
Amtrak announced this week that they plan to install cable TV into their sleeper births. Great. So now you can watch your derailment live on CNN.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.