Quote by Jay Mohr:

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

Comedian
Short bio
Jon Ferguson "Jay" Mohr is an American actor, comedian and radio host. He is known for his role as Professor Rick Payne in the TV series Ghost Whisperer, the title role in the CBS sitcom Gary Unmarried, as a featured cast member on the sketch comedy show Saturday Night Live and the back-stabbing sports agent Bob Sugar in Jerry Maguire.

All quotes by Jay Mohr

Popular quotes by other comedians

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

I'm buying a Cinnabon … at the airport … I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from, you can say, "Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever, so I should eat right now." But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.

Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.

They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you.

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?