It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went "Oww! What was that for?", and she goes "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy."
Quote by Jeff Foxworthy:
Quotes by other comedians
Look at us - we're a San Francisco wedding cake.
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.