Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.
Quote by Jerry Seinfeld:
Quotes by other comedians
We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' Fuck that - get well now.
There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now.
I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they’re real.