Quote by Paul Rodriguez:

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Comedian

Quotes by other comedians

I didn’t know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know how to put a set together.

Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?"