Quotes & Jokes by Greg Fitzsimmons / page 3


Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I do have hair; the hair is just not everywhere. I realize it's really just at the holes: my nose, my ears, my butt. I'm like a tub: just sheer white porcelain, and then a clump of hair at the drain.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

I realized that every second that I'm alive, the world cares less about me. It's just a very linear, downward progression. And it sounds cynical because you guys are young and you're full with life. I want you to understand - this is it. You have nothing to look forward to because you're peaking. If you're not having fun now, kill yourself. I don't mean that in a bad way, just - it's not worth it to go forward.

When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don't like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, 'Ooh yeah,' or they go, 'Hey, don't do that!'

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. It's like, 'Sorry, little Johnny, you can't get up, but look - I can.'

She goes, 'No, this is really good for his immune system.' I said 'Two years? I think at this time, we can safely dunk him in a bucket of polio.'

It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.

We're at a wishing well one day. I'm with my son and I give him a penny, and I said, 'Owen, you take this penny, you throw it in the water, and you can wish for anything you want.' So he takes the penny, throws it into the water. I go, 'What'd you wish for?' He goes, 'To throw the penny in the water.'

I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.