Quotes & Jokes by Kyle Cease

My grandma. She’s into Scrabble. What’s with grandmas and Scrabble? She loves to play. And her vocabulary is, like, way gooder.

One thing that teenage girls do a lot that I think is funny is when they go “One thing about me” and then they’ll say something about them that’s some weird thing about them at all. <br /> Like, “One thing about me is that you do not talk crap about my parents.” I’m like, “Really, ‘cause I love it. That’s weird that that’s your thing.”<br /> “One thing about me is that when I’m thirsty I drink water.” <br /> I’m like, “Really, whenever I’m thirsty I dip my balls in my lucky coffee pot.”

There’s a few sentences you’ll never hear. Like, “Hey we should go to Alabama, again.” You’ll never hear that. Or how about this one? “I can’t believe you haven’t seen Species 2!” This is my favorite one: “Aw! Let’s put some nutmeg up in this muthafucka!”