Quotes & Jokes by Margaret Cho


I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.

My favorite show of all time has to be Charlie’s Angels… My hair was so feathered, that the back of my head looked like a butt.

I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back… I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover with leaves and hope somebody falls in.

I am the biggest fag hag. I love my gay male friends so much. But when I was a little girl I always wished I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys. And I am. And I should have been more specific.

I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, “OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell.”