Quotes & Jokes by Mike DeStefano

A comedy agent asked, “What did you do before comedy?” I was a drug counselor. He said, “How about before that?” I was a drug addict. He said, “And before that?” I was twelve.

Heroin’s like having oral sex and, at the same time, a puppy’s licking your face. You don’t want that.

It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.